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| Photo By: Khayla Williams; Model: Taylor Jones |
I made the decision to accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior when I was in middle school. I loved Jesus, going to church, reading my bible and giving. When I got to college in 2001, I started attending a mega church. I thought it was the best thing that could ever happen to me. This church was very different from the church I grew up in. The pastor challenged my thinking and view of life and God and success. After three years of consistently being under the influence of this pastor’s teachings, my faith was derailed by messages of hope. Yes, hope. Let me explain.
I was a giver even before I became a Christian. I loved to share and buy things for other people (well, asking my mom to buy things because I never worked as a kid). As a Christian, I enjoyed tithing and giving extra offerings. There was something personal and intimate about giving to God. I felt privileged to do so. When I started attending this new church in Atlanta, I learned about the promises of God related to giving. You know the promises: “ Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom” (Luke 6:38a) and “’Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,’ says the Lord Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it’” (Malachi 3:10). I know that I was exposed in some way to these promises in the past and I believe them. But, at this church, there was a lot more emphasis and I began to “buy in”. I began to expect and look for rewards for my obedience.
I had a few opportunities for financial gain while a student
in college and some time after. A classmate introduced me to stock trading; I
had an invention idea that I entrusted to a company to “shop” for me; I had my
talents of singing and acting that I was looking for opportunities to pursue; later
I had Spoiled by God the line and the book and even wrote a movie script. So
when the pastor preached on Sunday mornings about the promises of God being “yea and amen” (2Corinthians 1:20), and how
things were “turning around in my favor”, and “how miracles are happening even
now” I was receiving all of it with open arms. I had plenty of ways in my life
that those promises could be fulfilled. It only required one small thing – one
yes, one right person to cross my path and like what I was doing – to change my
life for the better forever. I was obedient. I was faithful. I tithed and gave offerings
delightfully. I would run down to alter with an extra offering like everyone
else because I too believed that I was “planting my seed in good soil”. But
nothing happened. I kept hoping. I kept believing. But everything I touched was
turning to wood. Eventually the hope wore off. The excitement that my
“breakthrough was coming”, that I was “next in line”, etc. vaporized.
I wanted so badly to see my visions become reality. I wrote the vision and made it plain (Habakkuk
2:2). But, I did not have any direction, or guidance or anyone who could help
me. My previous attempts either failed or hit a dead end. People I encountered seemed
unwilling or incapable of offering me assistance and I just ran out of ideas. I
accepted my first job after college with tears of defeat. Having to work for a
living doing something that I was not passionate about, felt like failure. I wanted
a chance to build what I felt God had given me, but I did not get it. I had to
make money to survive. Years later, I “stepped out on faith” and quit my job to
become a personal trainer. I thought that I finally found a way to make money
that would not eat up all of my time. Now I could invest that time building my
businesses (my visions). That failed miserably. I was out of work for almost a
year. All the time that I was supposed to be working on my business, I spent
trying to find clients to train, looking for yet another job, or worrying about
how I could pay my bills. I spent so much time and energy in my life building
and working my Plan B that I never got to pursue Plan A. I was frustrated and
felt betrayed during that period. And, I had no one to blame but God. I trusted
Him to order my steps (Psalm 37:23, Psalm 119:133), and I got nothing. I became bitter.
At one point I stopped praying. Not because I lost faith in God, but because I
lost faith in the effectiveness of my prayers. I was not getting the “yeses”
from God that I expected and I had no idea how to get Him to hear me. I was not
asking God to drop a miracle from the sky. I had actual ideas and work that I
put my hands to that I assumed He would prosper, but it didn’t happen.
I believed that God had a plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11).
And I still do. I also believed that He works all of my life circumstances together
for my good (Romans 8:28) and I still do. I received my business ideas out of
the life obstacles I have faced so far. My invention was birthed indirectly from
my first injury in college when I spent nearly four months in a cast. From my
journey through cancer and chemotherapy I got Spoiled By God. Out of my
financial trials came EasyBudget. I got the idea for my movie script from my
season of singleness. And, I have another book idea that will be based on the
most trying relationship and jokingly hardest time in my life – The Chapter coming soon. In my mind this
all has to come from God. I cannot take credit for it simply for the fact that He created my inmost being; He knit me together
in my mother’s womb; before a word is on my tongue He knows
it completely. (Psalm 139: 13 &
4) He gives me the desires of my heart.
(Psalm 37:4)
He gives the ability to produce wealth.
(Deuteronomy 8:18) He
put these ideas in me but I struggle to make them reality or what I want them
to be. Because I felt that God gave me these ideas, I believed that He would also
prosper me in the way that I consider prosperous through them.
I learned a few things since then. For one, I was
reintroduced to some old concepts, but from a different perspective. At a new
church, the pastor touched on the concept of seed, time, and then harvest,
whereas my old pastor would preach the same topic as seedtime and harvest. Notice
the subtle difference? A simple adjustment in the phrasing of the same three
words (seed, time, and harvest) – specifically by separating them – altered my
thinking and defused my anxiousness.
In addition, I realized that there was another side to the
“tapestry” that I lacked. I had the ideas and the zeal to get the work done,
but there was also a lot of learning and patience that needed to happen on each
project. For example, I should have taken the time to actually learn about the companies
whose stocks I bought. That is critical in stock trading. I should have done a lot more research and asked more questions about the
company that I entrusted my invention to. If I knew then what know now, I never
would have reached out to that type of organization. So much time, money and
disappointment was lost for lack of wisdom and restraint. I was driven by my
anxiousness. I can’t blame God for that, because He warns against it in His
word. “Do not be anxious
about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with
thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6) “The plans of
the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” (Proverbs 21:5) There were several
moments in which I should have taken my time, increased my education and
produced at a greater degree of excellence (I mean the first edition of my book
was down right embarrassing). Separated from the old church’s style of teaching,
I was able to regain my focus.
In addition to changing my perspective I accept that we each
have a role to play in this life. Our journeys will be different. Processes
will differ from person to person. That does not make one less or greater than
another. It is just something to accept and go with. My story may look a little
like Joseph’s (Genesis 37-31) or even David’s (1Samuel 16 - 2Samuel 2) in the Bible.
Joseph spent years in slavery and prison before he got the chance to serve in
the role of his dreams. David was on the run for his life for years before he
was crowned king – the role that he was anointed for as a youth. Their promise
was not fulfilled overnight. All throughout the Bible are examples of people
going through conflict. Come to think of it, all of the stories that I can
recall are examples of conflict. Their lives were messy even in “prosperity”.
Bible stories are stories about lots of hard work, obedience, trust in God and
waiting. I am guilty of seeing and focusing on the end result alone. Not only
that, I am guilty of turning my heart to the gift and away from the Giver. Even
after the subjects in these stories get their promise, conflict does not end
and life is not necessarily happy ever after. Yet, for some reason I believe
that life should be “peachy” always. I cannot forsake the notion of process.
I am learning to surrender my life and thoughts to the roll
that I play. My goal is to learn to succeed with my given circumstances. I do
not need to focus on what my “good” would/should look like. My focus need only
be on obedience. Love God first, love my neighbor, (Matthew 22:37-40) follow
the process He has given me with excellence and maybe, just maybe I will find
satisfaction in my toilsome labor
under the sun. (Ecclesiastes 5:18) I
still work at whatever vision God gives me to the best of my ability and then I
let go of the results (Ephesians 6:13; Psalm 46:10). This has created a new
journey for me.
Verses
Psalm 40:1-3
Psalm 40:5
1 John 3:19-24
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