I once had a supervisor who seemed to relish in the opportunity to bestow the brutal truth. But, it was more like he told the truth in a brutal way. He actually felt that it qualified him as a “good leader”. He and I were at odds for quite some time, because he was blunt and I am sensitive. I am never one to shy away from correction; I embrace it as a means to become better. But, I struggled to take correction from this particular supervisor because I spent most of our conversations trying not to take offense. I could barely receive his advice because I was trying so hard not to be hurt by it. I was being confronted in such a way that I felt judged and demeaned without being understood or appreciated. With that, I raise the question: Does the truth have to hurt?
It’s amusing to see someone dish out hurtful words and then chalk it up to “just keepin’ it real”. Our society heroes such blunt and hurtful bravado. We give them their own shows, proclaim them to as strong leaders, even honor them with the office of the presidency because they have the guts to just “be themselves” and “tell it like it is”. They have the gall to say what we’ve all been thinking and so we make them our spokespersons and live vicariously through their unrestraint. I totally get it. But, is the honest truth delivered in the most hurtful way effect or strictly for entertainment?
The characteristic of gentles – given to us by the Holy Spirit living within us – is expressed by the way that we handle each other as Christians. As the world marvels at the bold and the blunt-iful, faith sets a very different and more elevated expectation for us who claim to be in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:15, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ”.
Notice that Paul urges us to, “speak the truth in love”. The charge is not to cover up the truth nor to sugarcoat everything. Some of us struggle with confrontation and would prefer to avoid the truth at all cost; that is not healthy either. “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips,” (Proverbs 24:26) and “wounds from a friend can be trusted” (Proverbs 27:6). But there is a certain degree of tact to include when it is necessary to deliver information that can be hurtful to the receiver.
Some of us, like my old supervisor, have no problem dishing the truth. If you fall into this group, you may find this practice of exercising restraint as a challenge. Thinking about what and how you say what you say before you say it might feel like a lot of extra work. At times, it may even take a little creativity. (If you need a good example, take a look at how the prophet Nathan rebukes King David regarding his indiscretions with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 12). I cannot imagine that was an easy conversation for Nathan to muster up.) But, it is possible and evident of the Holy Spirit living within us.
How many times have we heard, “it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”? Sometimes you just have to spit the truth out. People appreciate honesty especially when it helps them to improve. But, we can all appreciate the truth when it’s presented in such a way that says that the giver cares. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1). Here are some things to consider when it’s time to “keeps it real”:
1. Is this something that has to be said? “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is wise” (Proverbs 10:19 HCSB). It can be tempting to blurt out everything that comes to our mind. And sometimes, being mean can actually feel good in the moment. That is why it never hurts to consider your motivation. Is confronting another person about healing for yourself, is it a matter of necessity, or are you perhaps a little intrigued by the drama? Let’s keep it real. Does it make you feel a little superior? Do you want to feel good about having the guts to say what you want to say? Or, do you just want to be noticed or heard? If you feel that your motivations are pure and what you have to say adds value to the listener then, please proceed.
2. Are you offering a solution to the problem or are you just complaining? One rule of thumb is to come to the table with a solution or be prepared to hash out a solution with the receiver. Let your intent be toward the heart of the problem and not merely to highlight a flaw.
3. Remember that there is an actual person with valid feelings on the other end of your comments. People want to know they are understood. That you’ve taken the time to see things from their perspective and tried to understand why they might be who they are and do what they do. Quite frankly, if you were in their position you’d probably do the same things too.
4. Sandwich criticism between compliments and praise. It takes far more positive comments to balance out negative ones. Wounds from a friend can be trusted. When people know that you love and care for them and that your intentions toward them are good, they can better receive criticism from you. That is one reason why offering critique to individuals who do not know you can be risky; they have no idea where you’re coming from. Your comment can, therefore, be taken as offensive rather than helpful. It is also necessary to note that people can spot a setup from miles away. Compliments should always be genuine and not only offered along with criticism.
5. Be open to feedback. Don’t just dish and dip. Pay attention to how your comments are received. You don’t necessarily need to request a performance review but you can:
a. Acknowledge to the receiver that you know the information presented could be difficult to hear. Ask him or her how he/she is feeling. Express that you care about the person and his or her feelings.
b. Ask other persons present, how they think the delivery was. It helps to have another perspective.
The book Habitudes by Dr. Tim Elmore is a great resource for tips on how to operate as a “velvet covered brick”.
Gentleness in our most intimate relationships
I have found incorporating gentleness into my marriage and childrearing to be especially important and challenging. We are so familiar with our immediate family members that we sometimes forgo common courtesies. When it comes to our intimate relationships, we just want to “be ourselves.” Taking the time to consider the person(s) on the receiving end of your words is not any less being yourself. Watching our words and considering our presentation ought to be part of who we are and who we’re becoming as Christians.
Our loved ones deserve our gentleness as much as strangers. I have found this to be especially true when dealing with my own strong-willed children. I find myself gentler when dealing with other people’s kids. I am especially gentle with “at-risk” students with whom I’ve had the honor of working. When other people’s children are rude and angry I conclude that they just don’t know any better (cute even); they’ve not been properly trained yet. In addition, I’d rather not be confronted by the angry parents of a child I’ve offended. I do not automatically have the same level of patience when my own children display the same behavior. Why? Because I know they know better and now their behavior is embarrassing me. I immediately have to call on the aid of the Holy Spirit to shape my conversation and manner of speaking with my kids. My prayer is that I deal with my children as gently as I deal with others. The fact of the matter is, they are not “mine”; they belong to God. I have been blessed with the privilege of raising, training and teaching them in the way that they should go. It is my responsibility to take care of them as such.
Gentleness is especially important in marriage. It makes no sense that we choose to be politically correct, respectful and season our conversations with colleagues and coworkers, yet show no restraint in a disagreement with our husband or wife. Gentleness is the key to preserving the intimacy in a marriage. As your partner in life, your spouse should always know that you care about him or her and that you are on his/her side even when you disagree.
In sum, I like how Paul phrases it in Philippians 2:1-4:
Therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. (Philippians 2:1-4)
As a representative of Jesus Christ and bearer of the Holy Spirit, I hope that you’ll choose to be gentle with others. At the end of the day, it is about Christ and keeping the peace between us so that we stay united in the Holy Spirit. See Ephesians 4:1-5. Be gentle.
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