Confident

I had an interesting conversation in which a rather bold individual told me that I, Shanta Crichlow, am a “lion playing nice”. I am eating like a vegetarian when in truth I am carnivorous. I was not offended at all by the statement, but was intrigued by the thought. This was not the first time that I was told that I am not who I appear to be – but not in a good way. I appear to be strong, sure, and straightforward, but in my dealings with people, I was overly nice, self-doubting, and had no confidence in me. The reality of these deductions bewildered me. It was true. I am parading around life as if I am a toothless lioness when in fact I have some ferocious fangs. And, my deeply subconscious reasoning behind this charade is unfounded. My logic has no legs to stand on because it simply is not true. Let me explain.

For many years, since adolescence, I bought into this notion that I should subdue myself and downplay my talent. Perhaps it was an overzealous application of Proverbs 27:2, “Let someone else praise you, and not your own mouth; an outsider, and not your own lips” or Jesus’ words in the gospels, “For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” I sit back and wait and smile while others are being promoted and given a role to play, but not so deep down inside I want to be noticed and praised. I want to be discovered. But, I don’t want to “put myself out there”. I want someone to notice me without me making myself known. All the time I have been vying for permission to be great – as if it were a crime to be so on my own accord. Even though I use my consort’s analogy of being a “lion”, I have no desire or intention to rip anyone to shreds. I am, however, suffering for liberation to live my fullest life as wholly me – the true me.

The root of my suffering was the erosion of my confidence. Somewhere along the line, I accepted the belief that I do not deserve to be noticed or praised. I settled safely into the background clinging to the hope that God would hike me into celebrity when He was ready. I did not have to fight my own battles; He would fight them for me (2 Chronicles 20:15) and elevate me to where I should rightfully be. But nothing happened. While I was so busy sitting around waiting to be discovered and presented to the world on a platinum platter, the rest of the world was paving its way to the greatness I so desperately desired.

On I went, comfortably nursing my insecurities. As an older more educated women, I appropriated that this is what it means to have the ‘mind of Christ’ (Philippians 2:3-11). But, what I did was not based on Philippians 2:3-11. When this all began I did not know what Philippians 2:3-11 said. I did, however, have the thoughts; I’m never going to get this. And, Wow her voice is so much prettier than mine. I shied away from giving my all (uncaging my lion) not for love, nor any reason that made apparent sense, but for fear.

Confidence is risky. When you make the choice to put yourself on the line you are vulnerable to more than accolades and praise. You are exposed to ridicule, contradictions to your opinions about you, and the almighty REJECTION. I never thought about how I would handle all of the consequences when I chose to ‘take center stage’. What I did was give little effort and expect that was enough. I did not want to give my all unless I was doing something in which I understood how to work such as school and track and field. But when it came to my singing, for example, I was afraid to be vulnerable even if it meant eventually making me better or giving me a step toward what I ultimately wanted. I did not want to sing all-out for peers. I did not want to think that I was too good or be too confident not because I was so humble, but because God-forbid I get proven wrong or the world does not agree. I was terrified to warm-up or rehearse in front of people because I didn’t want anyone to hear me mess up. The times when I did finally get my voice out and people accepted it, I didn’t want to sing too often now for fear that people would grow tired of me and annoyed. And yet, I wanted to be a singer. I spent years building walls and invisible shields against my progress and success because I did not believe I could achieve what I wanted therefore I did not.

We can become cripplingly self-conscious when we choose to expose to the public the things that we are passionate about and truly believe to be a gift. We do not want to make a mistake in front of others doing those things that are most important to us - those things that we are supposed to be good at. To blunder on the little things does not matter, but not so when it comes to those things we take pride in. Such rejection is hard because we are more fragile than we are willing to admit. We only do what we can do for ourselves because we do not believe anyone else is there to support us, or that what we have to offer is good enough or worthy.

The funny part is that I still put myself out there but with the barriers and shields of insecurity and the weight of unbelief that constricted my voice and stifled my performance. Although I didn’t stop what I was doing, for fear, I could never be all in. And like it says in the Nike Last World Cup Commercial 2014, “there is no greater danger than playing it safe”. You can’t get into the arena with the anvils of unbelief and insecurity as your companions. If you are going to go after the dream, if you are going to be on that ‘stage’, you have to be all in. To fail giving less than your best, still hurts. You may as well surrender to the pain of courage (renounce rejection) and watch how you survive it. Be the lion.

Verses

2 Chronicles 20:15 - He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's

Philippians 2:3-11 - Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus…Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name…

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